We Play.

It took me all summer to get here.  To finally sink into the feeling of pure and utter relaxation.  To realize that life is short and that the little things don’t matter, and ironically are also the things that matter most.  My brain is finally back in control of my body.  Logical.  Reasoned.  Not ready to engage in fight or flight behavior.  It is always my goal to maintain this level of confidence as I enter a new school year.  I even got a tattoo this year to visually help me remember my “bad-ass-ed-ness”.  Yet with the delivery of one silly work email - here I sit.  Venting my frustrations in a GoogleDoc instead of finishing my last adult novel of the summer.  Why?  Because my body is a jerk.  One email - something benign and unimportant that should not define my day - just irritated me to no end.  And now I can’t let it go.  A domino effect of useless thoughts.  

As I sit here and type, I know how ludicrous this sounds.  I’m  a grown woman, a mother of small people, and my anxieties still battle me for every moment of contentedness I achieve.  I tried to dive back into my book and forget it.  But my heartbeat wouldn’t slow down.  My breaths wouldn’t even out.  My brain wouldn’t sit the eff down.  I go back to the grind in two days.  I’m not even back yet, and my body is protesting.  Why?  How do I have any shot of maintaining normalcy as an adult human being if I can’t even get through one email?  

I’ve sipped the hot Earl Grey.  I’ve breathed in the good and exhaled the bad.  I’ve counted random intervals of numbers.  And here I am - vomiting it all out, so I can just enjoy my book.  (I also spell vomiting wrong every time I write it.  Which is surprisingly frequently.  Why doesn’t it have two t’s??)

My goal for this school year was and is to just “play” with my students.  To have fun.  To enjoy one another and our time together.  If if we’re not succeeding, we change our route.  I did not stop to think that this mindset should also include my interaction with the grown people with whom I work as well.  We’re going to play this year, too.  We’re going to have fun.  And if for some reason that’s not working out - we’re going to change the game plan.  

This email (and my own reactions) did not start off the game well, for me.  I’m going in with a new mindset now.  We play.